Fursock Holmes and the Hound of Butchersville
by kalariah
Summary: Would-be-witty Fursock Holmes and his trusty companion Edison Watts endeavor to solve the mystery of the Hound of Butchersville.
1. Disclaimer

This is a spoof on "Sherlock Holmes and the Hound of the Baskervilles," by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. No disrespect is intended to the author or to the characters. The basic idea of the story does not belong to me, although this particular representation of it stems from my own creativity. I wrote this story for a contest, along with my sister Dorcas and my cousin Elveda. This is the only disclaimer that will be posted. Please enjoy the story.

Kalariah


	2. Character List

**From **Kyllingmark, Kyllingmark, ****and ****Steinberg****

**We Present**

**Fursock Holmes**

**And The**

**Hound of Butchersville**

_Created by Elveda Steinberg, Dorcas Kyllingmark, and Marilyn Kyllingmark_

**Characters**

****

**Fursock Holmes:**  Extremely egotistical, but truthfully, doornails are smarter than him.

**Edison**** "Eddie" ****Watts****:**  Fursock's biggest fan.  Trusts Fursock's judgments above his own, but has occasional bursts of inspiration.

**Messenger 1:**  Brings first telegram to Fursock.

**Messenger 2:**  Brings second telegram to Fursock.

**Vladimir Bolshevik:**  Town butcher.  Quiet, morose, intimidating.  Knives are his friends.

**Pisclapski "Slops" **or **"Piggy" Bolshevik:**  Vladimir's baby brother, about 20 years old.  Jealous of brother's fame, wishes to own the butcher shop himself.  Puts on a friendly face toward everyone, but inside is a slimy, conniving little worm.

**Hélène:**  A little girl of the town.  Friends with Vladimir.

**Reginald Hawthorne:**  Mayor of Butchersville; fat, stuffy, and pompous.  Very self-important.

**Victoria Hawthorne:**  Reginald's wife.  Elegant, snooty, and very vain.  Expensive clothes and makeup cannot hide the horror of what she calls her face.

**Melvin:**  The mailman.  Clueless and quite a gossip.  No one knows his last name; it is doubted if even he knows it.

**Charlotte Hornswallow:**  Teacher of the finishing school, and quite prim and proper.  Victim of the Hound.

**Victor "Crummy" Crumb:**  Town librarian.  Dignified, grandfatherly type; very honest.

**Mr. Periwinkle:**  Owner of the pawnshop.  Rather hyper, nervous guy.  Cheapskate and a con artist.  Likes to tease Pisclapski about his name.

**Clementine Begonia:**  Clueless blond belle.

**Minerva Bellmonte:**  Nosy, plump, major gossip, and a busybody.  Wears reading glasses.

**Helga Swenson:**  Busybody, muckraker.  Doesn't really care about anything, as long as she knows what it is.

**Toothless:**  The hound!

**Cornelius Einsford:**  The baker.  Quiet, friendly, generous, and little shy.  Proud of his wares.  Very talkative once he gets started.

**Flora Monte:**  Blacksmith's wife.  Bustling, cheerful, and rather stout.  Excellent hostess.  A victim of the Hound.  Has a strong Southern accent.

**Albert [ALL-bert] LeGrande:**  Town constable.  French, easygoing, and determined to catch the mysterious attacker.  Doesn't like Fursock.

**Various other people:**  (Used for crowd scenes.)


	3. Scene 1

**__**

Scene I

Setting: Early morning in Butchersville, main square.

****

At rise: Rooster crows. Vladimir Bolshevik enters from stage right carrying a cleaver. Stalks out to middle of stage. Pauses, looks around, takes cleaver and raises it high toward audience.

****

Bolshevik: Just kidding. _(Is about to walk to his butcher shop, near the back on stage left, when Hélène wanders on from stage left. Bolshevik stops and smiles. Hélène smiles back.)_

****

Hélène: Good morning, Mr. Bolshevik. How are you today?

****

Bolshevik: I'm doing pretty good. _(Glances around to make sure no one's looking, then pulls out a flower from behind his back.)_ I brought you something. _(Hands the flower to her.)_

****

Hélène: It's lovely! Thank you, Mr. Bolshevik! I have to go now. See you later! _(Walks back off stage left. Bolshevik continues to shop and changes the "Closed" sign to "Open". Cornelius Einsford and Victor Crumb walk onstage from opposite sides and see each other.)_

****

Einsford: Morning, Crummy. How's the library business going?

****

Crumb: Oh, just fine. Had a record number of overdues. Yeah, the total is a whopping 5 books. The other 73 are still checked in. So, how's the bakery?

****

Einsford: Oh, pretty good. I'm fixing up some special stuff...._ (Both go into pantomime speech as Flora Monte enters from stage right. Town gossips enter from stage left and stand around silent talking. Mr. Periwinkle also enters from stage left and sits in front of his shop. Flora enters butcher shop, where Bolshevik is chopping some meat.)_

****

Flora: Good morning, Mr. Bolshevik. I would like 2 pounds of chicken and 3 pounds of turkey, please. _(Bolshevik slams cleaver onto cutting board, gets meat, and wraps it up. Slams package in front of Flora.)_

****

Bolshevik: That will be 5 dollars.

****

Flora: My, the price of meat sure has gone up in a hurry, hasn't it?

****

Bolshevik: Mmm.

****

Flora _(nervously)_**:** Yes, well, I suppose I'd better be going now. Have a nice day, Mr. Bolshevik. _(Turns and starts to exit butcher shop as Pisclapski Bolshevik enters from stage right.)_

****

Mr. Periwinkle: Hey, Slops! _(Pisclapski pretends not to hear. Flora meets him in the middle of the stage.)_

****

Flora: Why, good morning, Piggy. You on your way to help your brother in his butcher shop?

****

Pisclapski _(Through his teeth)_**:** Yes. _(Flora exits stage right. Mr. Periwinkle continues to taunt Pisclapski.)_

****

Mr. Periwinkle: Having a good morning, Piggy? _(Starts to make oinking noises, then begins to roll on the ground, laughing at his own joke. Pisclapski growls and bares his teeth, then enters the butcher shop. Bolshevik looks up.)_

****

Bolshevik: You're late. Don't let it happen again.

****

Pisclapski: I'm sorry, Vlad. I overslept.

****

Bolshevik: Sweep the floor. _(Curtains close on this happy scene.)_


	4. Scene 2

**__**

Scene II

Scene: Evening in Butchersville, main square. Many people are in the square with their day's purchases.

****

At rise: People begin heading offstage, toward home. Bolshevik is standing at the door of his shop, preparing to leave.

****

Bolshevik: Piggy, be sure and lock everything before you leave. I'm going home. Goodnight. _(Starts for home, cleaver over shoulder, and wearing a bloody apron. Mr. Periwinkle doesn't see him coming, and is inadvertently sitting in Bolshevik's path. Bolshevik stops and growls; Mr. Periwinkle cowers and slinks out of his way. Bolshevik continues off stage right. By this time stage is cleared except for Flora, who is headed home with many parcels. From somewhere offstage comes the sound of the toothless hound, and a light. Flora turns, rather confused.)_

****

Flora: What, what's that sound? Who's there? Who are you? What do you want? Help! _(Runs off stage right. A scream is heard, then silence. Curtains close.)_


	5. Scene 3

**__**

Scene III

Setting: Next day, main square.

****

At rise: People of the town are milling about. Flora staggers in from stage right, clothes rumpled, hair askew, dazed. There is a sticky, glowing film on her face and neck. Everyone stops and stares at her.

****

Melvin _(hurrying up)_**:** Why, Mrs. Monte, you're looking a mite rumpled today. _(Victoria Hawthorne turns.)_

****

Victoria _(gasping)_**:** Flora Monte, you look simply ghastly. Whatever on earth happened to you?

****

Flora _(still dazed)_**:** It was simply awful. I was walking home last night with my packages when I hear a horrible noise and I saw a light. I ran and then something hit me. The next thing I knew, I was lying on my back in the brush beside the road. My packages are all there, except for my meat. The creature took my chicken and turkey. _(People begin chattering amongst themselves.)_

****

Melvin: Well, it sounds to me like the Hound of Butchersville is back. _(Everyone stops talking and stares at Melvin.)_

****

Helga: What exactly _is_ the Hound of Butchersville, Melvin? _(Melvin looks around at all the people. It is clear he likes all the attention.)_

****

Melvin: Once, a long time ago, when I was just knee high to a grasshopper, there was a butcher. This butcher had a dog. He would feed this dog scraps of meat. But the dog was always still hungry, so it would follow people home from the butcher shop, and if they left their meat locker door unlocked, the dog would eat their meat.

But soon the dog began wanting more meat, and whole sheep and cows began disappearing. One night, both the butcher and his dog disappeared, and they haven't been seen since. Sounds like the dog, at least, has decided to return.

****

Mr. Periwinkle: Or maybe it belongs to our own butcher.

****

Minerva: That's all nonsense, Mr. Periwinkle. Everyone knows Vladimir Bolshevik wouldn't stand for a dog in the house.

****

Flora: But how did it know I had the meat?

****

Victoria _(importantly)_**:** We can't be sure it did know. And besides, it may not have been a dog at all. _(Wrinkles her nose.) _Maybe there are bears in the woods.

****

Clementine: But what about the sticky, glowing stuff? _(Everyone remains silent. Reginald Hawthorne comes bustling in from stage left.)_

****

Hawthorne: All right, what's going on here?

****

Minerva _(in a rush)_**:** Flora Monte was attacked last night by something that stole her meat and left sticky, glowing stuff all over her face. Melvin thinks it's the Hound of Butchersville, but I don't know.

****

Hawthorne: Hmm, yes, well, I'll have to do something about that. Everyone can go home now; I'll handle it from here. _(Reluctantly the crowd begins to disperse. Hawthorne lingers for a moment, hemming and hawing, while Albert LeGrande watches him. Nervously, LeGrande addresses the mayor.)_

****

LeGrande: So, what are you going to do about this, Mayor? _(Hawthorne looks up, obviously annoyed that LeGrande has not obeyed his orders to go home.)_

****

Hawthorne: This is clearly a job for the experts. I've decided to call in Fursock Holmes.

****

LeGrande _(with ill-concealed terror)_**:** You don't really mean that, do you, sir? I mean--not Fursock!

****

Hawthorne: Fursock Holmes is a very wise man. You could learn a lot from him, LeGrande.

****

LeGrande _(outraged)_**:** The man's a bubbling idiot!

****

Hawthorne: Nonetheless, he'll be much better at solving this mystery than you, Albert. _(In a patronizing tone of voice.)_ Now then, it's time for you to go home. Have a nice cup of tea; you'll feel much better. _(Begins to lead LeGrande off stage left.)_

****

LeGrande _(despairingly, rolling his eyes heavenward)_**:** Fursock! _(Curtains close.)_


	6. Scene 4

**__**

Scene IV

Setting: Evening in the living room of Fursock Holmes and Edison Watts' house. The drapes are drawn and a fire burns cheerfully in the grate. A few lamps give light.

****

At rise: Fursock Holmes and Edison Watts are seated in the living room. Holmes has a pipe in his mouth and is blowing bubbles with it. Watts is reading a book. All is silent for fifteen seconds except for the turning of a page.

****

Holmes: Our caseload has been rather empty as of late, Watts. It seems like something big is on its way to us. _(Watts murmurs his agreement.)_ In fact, I would bet my new walking stick that someone is bearing a telegram toward us at this very minute, which will send us off on some new and exotic case. _(Watts looks up from his book, interested.)_

****

Watts: And how the dickens would you know something like that, Holmes? You can't tell if someone is sending us a telegram! _(A knock is heard at the door. Holmes gets up to answer it. Messenger 1 is standing there.)_

****

Messenger 1: Telegram for a Mr. Fursock Holmes, sir. _(Holmes looks triumphantly at Watts, then tips Messenger 1, who leaves. Holmes shuts the door and rips open the telegram.)_

****

Holmes: So you see, Watts, it is clear that we--_ (looks at the telegram for the first time, and his voice trails away.)_ Oh. I forgot to pay the gas bill. _(Watts starts laughing as a second knock is heard. Holmes once again goes to the door and opens it. Messenger 2 is standing there.)_

****

Messenger 2: Telegram for a Mr. Fursock Holmes, sir.

****

Watts: What is it this time, the water? _(Holmes shoots him a quelling look as he takes the telegram from the messenger. Tips the boy, who leaves. Holmes shuts the door and sits down, but doesn't open the telegram.)_ Aren't you going to see what it says, Holmes?

****

Holmes: Oh, all right. _(Opens the telegram slowly and glances at the contents. Victoriously begins to read it to Watts.)_

****

Holmes _(from telegram)_**:** "Dear Mr. Holmes: We are in desperate straits. A member of our town has been attacked by some strange creature, which left a sticky, glowing film on her face. This creature then stole all the meat she had bought that day. None of us know what this creature might be. We would be much obliged if you would come and work on this mystery for us. The town will pay all your expenses, of course. Our town constable will be here to assist you in any way needed. We eagerly await your reply. Sincerely, _Reginald Hawthorne._"

****

Watts _(in awe)_**:** How did you know this was coming, Holmes?

****

Holmes _(smugly)_**:** It is all a matter of intuition and deduction, my dear Watts. I have never been without a case for more than two weeks, and tomorrow was the two-week line. It simply had to come today.

****

Watts: So are you going to accept the case?

****

Holmes: Naturally, Watts. Go pack some clothes for both of us. I'll send a telegram in the morning and let them know we're coming. _(Curtains close as Watts rises to do Holmes's bidding.)_


	7. Scene 5

**__**

Scene V

Setting: Main square. Melvin stands in front of the post office. Bolshevik is in his butcher shop, while Mr. Periwinkle sits in front of the pawnshop. Pisclapski is in the butcher shop as well, washing counters, etc., behind Bolshevik.

****

At rise: Victoria enters from stage right. She has a basket over one arm and clearly intends to do some shopping. She pauses when Melvin addresses her.

****

Melvin: Hiya there, Vickie!

****

Victoria _(snootily)_**:** My _name_, Melvin, is Victoria, but you may call me Mrs. Hawthorne. I do not like to be addressed in such a familiar manner.

****

Melvin: WELL, pardon me, ma'am. I've known you since you were this big _(holds his hand knee height)_ and had your hair in pigtails, and you want me to call you Mrs. Hawthorne?! Why you used to come and sit on my knee when you was just a youngun. _(Victoria begins to wander off. Melvin continues his tirade.)_ I still remember when your pa wore knickers! Just a little thing! _(Notices Victoria is gone. Slowly walks offstage, still muttering to himself.)_ Now, then, _Mrs. Hawthorne.... (Two figures walk on from stage right carrying travel cases. It is Fursock Holmes and Edison Watts. Holmes has the telegram clutched in one hand and appears to be lecturing Watts on something.)_

****

Holmes: Now then, Watts, I wonder if the good people of this fine town have told us everything there is to know. They may have just heard of my noble reputation _(straightens his tie)_ and concocted a mystery to try and fool me. It's been done before. But we'll beat them at their own game. _(Sees Bolshevik and says in an aside to Watts): _My deductive powers tell me this man is a butcher. _(To Bolshevik.)_ I say, my good man, would you be so kind as to tell me where I can find a Mr. _(glances at the telegram)_ Reginald Hawthorne? _(Bolshevik sizes Holmes up, decides he's not worth the effort to ignore, and answers.)_

****

Bolshevik: Down that way. _(Points off stage left.)_ Mayor's office.

****

Holmes: Thank you, sir. And what would your name be?

****

Bolshevik: _(Grunts.)_ Time to chop some more meat. Business is booming...._ (Watts looks around and notices there are no customers in the shop.)_

****

Watts _(nervously)_**:** Doesn't it strike you as odd that he doesn't want to talk to us?

****

Holmes: Not at all, my dear Watts. He's probably the ringleader behind it all. A most suspicious character. We will have to watch him closely. _(Holmes and Watts turn and are about to start walking in the direction Bolshevik pointed them, when Mayor Hawthorne himself walks on from stage left and sees them. Bustles over importantly. Unnoticed, Helga Swenson enters from stage left carrying a package and walks over to the butcher shop.)_

****

Hawthorne: I say, you must be Fursock Holmes. And who would be this man here? _(Looks at Watts.)_

****

Watts: I'm Edison Watts, sir, but my friends call me Eddie. Would you be Reginald Hawthorne?

****

Hawthorne: Yes, that's me. I'm the mayor of this fine town of Butchersville. I tell you, this one is a humdinger.

****

Holmes_ (who feels like things are getting out of hand)_**:** Yes, yes, that's all very fine and wonderful. Just where is this victim you were talking about?_ (Hawthorne opens his mouth to reply but is cut off by Helga shouting at Bolshevik.)_

****

Helga: I won't stand for it anymore! _(Hawthorne, Holmes, and Watts wheel to look at her, then walk over. Holmes looks interested. Pisclapski is sweeping the butcher shop, but stops and listens when Helga starts yelling. Bolshevik himself has come outside and stands in front of the door with his arms crossed.)_

****

Holmes: Just what won't you stand for, ma'am?

****

Helga: My meat! I bought it yesterday, fresh out of his butcher shop, and when I took it home and opened it, it was all slimy and yucky and--_ (stops and peers at Bolshevik suspiciously)_--and _glowing_. I want some proper meat now, before I call the constable!

****

Bolshevik: My meat is always good. She must have ruined it herself.

****

Helga_ (in a rage)_**:** And why would I do that? I needed that meat for supper last night! I had to go pull some older stuff out of the cupboards!

****

Bolshevik_ (firmly)_**:** I do not sell bad meat!

****

Hawthorne_ (hastily)_**:** Now, now, let's not lose our tempers here. We'll sort this all out in time. _(Sighs.)_ I'm afraid this isn't a very nice reception we've given you, Mr. Holmes. Come, I'll show you to where you'll be staying._ (Leads Holmes and Watts off stage right. Helga glares at Bolshevik for a moment, then follows them. Bolshevik angrily resumes chopping meat, and Pisclapski reluctantly begins sweeping again. Curtains close.)_


	8. Scene 6

**__**

Scene VI

Setting: Room in a boarding house. Holmes and Watts are sitting in chairs. Holmes has his bubble pipe in his hand and gestures with it while he talks.

****

At rise: Holmes rises from his chair and starts pacing around the room. He is obviously excited about something, while Watts is hanging on his every word.

****

Holmes: The butcher knows something. Did you notice his shifty eyes, how he squirmed when that woman said the meat was glowing? He's the one who did it! Now all we must do is find the evidence to prove his guilt.

****

Watts_ (timidly)_**:** I thought the man behind the butcher looked rather suspicious.

****

Holmes_ (dismissively)_**:** No, no, anyone can tell from just looking at him that he doesn't have the kind of brains required for a job like this. The culprit is the butcher. He's our man!

****

Watts: When will we being gathering evidence?

****

Holmes: We'll go out tonight and listen around, and tomorrow we'll ask the villagers some questions. Maybe they've heard something.

****

Watts: They didn't seem very friendly. No one came up to greet us.

****

Holmes: Nonsense! They were just shy of being around such a great detective as me. You watch, tomorrow they'll be as chatty as magpies.

****

Watts: If you say so, Holmes. _(A knock is heard at the door.)_ Come in! _Albert LeGrande enters, looking unhappy. Stands fiddling with his buttons.)_

****

LeGrande: Are you Mr. Holmes and Mr. Watts? _(Holmes opens his mouth to introduce himself, but LeGrande waves him back.)_ No, let me guess--the one with the bubble pipe is Holmes._ Holmes shuts his mouth and looks faintly displeased.)_ Mayor Hawthorne said you were here to solve a problem for us, and sent me here to--_ (takes a deep breath, then continues, looking more woebegone than before)_--to offer you any help you need that I can give you. I'm the town constable, Albert LeGrande.

****

Watts: _(Stepping forward to shake LeGrande's hand.)_ Good to meet you, LeGrande. I'm Eddie Watts.

****

LeGrande: Good to meet you, Watts.

****

Holmes: Swell of you to offer, old chap, but we don't really need any help. With a brain like mine other people tend to just get in the way. I say, would you mind getting me some coffee? The trip out here was a bit rough. _(Smiles ingratiatingly. Doesn't notice that LeGrande is seething, and trying to keep a smile pinned on his lips.)_

****

LeGrande_ (sarcastically)_**:** No problem, sir. Would you like biscuits with that?

****

Holmes_ (considering)_**:** No…I think the coffee will be good. Thanks anyway. And do make sure you put enough sugar in the coffee. I take three lumps. _(LeGrande forces a greasy smile, then stalks out of the room.)_

****

Watts_ (concerned)_**:** I say, Holmes, he didn't seem to like you all that much.

****

Holmes: Nonsense! He's probably just jealous of my impeccable reputation. Come now, Watts; it's almost time to begin our nighttime searches. _(Curtains close.)_


	9. Scene 7

**__**

Scene VII

Setting: Inside a small pub, noisy with many villagers.

****

At rise: Holmes and Watts stand near the door, talking to Einsford. Einsford is clearly enthralled with talking to the great master detective. During the following conversation, Watts listens with great interest for the first few seconds, then wanders off, talking to other people.

****

Einsford_ (earnestly)_**:** Yes, Mr. Holmes, I understand. You have my word of honor that this conversation will remain secret.

****

Holmes: Good. I just wanted to ask a few questions. We were outside the butcher shop today--

****

Einsford: Nice little place, isn't it? Vladimir Bolshevik is a genius with the cleaver. Only meat shop we've got in Butchersville, and we're happy to have it. He gets a little help from his brother--that would be Pisclapski, though most of us call him Piggy--but most of it he does on his own. Now, what was it you were going to say?

****

Holmes: I was just wondering, how long have you known Bolshevik?

****

Einsford: Him? He's been in this town since the beginning of time. His folks were here before mine, even, and mine came in 1642. Fine old family, are the Bolsheviks. His folks died in a fever ten years back, and Vladimir's been looking after little Piggy ever since. _(Sighs.)_ It's just the two of them now. Seems a shame that--

****

Holmes: And what is Mr. Bolshevik like, Mr. Einsford?

****

Einsford_ (grinning)_**:** Struck you as a bit harsh, eh? But don't you believe it. Every morning, when he thinks no one's looking, I see him wave at little Hélène. They're best friends. He's got a heart of gold, does Vladimir. Now Piggy, on the other hand, everyone _knows_ he's a friendly one. His smile can be seen from one end of town to the other. Quite a favorite with the people.

****

Holmes_ (looking doubtful)_**:** Of course. I'm sure that this, uh, Piggy is quite friendly. But what about Vladimir Bolshevik? Does he keep mostly to himself, or does he have any friends he talks with?

****

Einsford: Well, none other than the little girl I just mentioned--Hélène, that is. Piggy, on the other hand, has just about everyone in this here town for a friend. Maybe what you'd call the popular sort.

****

Holmes_ (clearly annoyed that this conversation is getting nowhere)_**:** Yes, yes. Well, I'd better be going now. WATTS!!

****

Watts: Coming, Holmes!_ (Hastily bids goodbye to Flora and Minerva and joins Holmes as he walks out of the pub.)_ You know, I don't think Vladimir Bolshevik is as bad as some of the townspeople crack him up to be.

****

Holmes: Yes, Watts, that's very nice. It's good that you're learning to sympathize with other people. But you must remember, the man has been terrorizing the villagers.

****

Watts: Are you certain that he is the culprit?

****

Holmes_ (loftily)_**:** Of course; who else could it possibly be?_ (Both exit and curtains close.)_


	10. Scene 8

**__**

Scene VIII

Setting: Forest, next to the path, nighttime.

****

At rise: Watts and Holmes are crouched behind bushes next to the path. The moon casts a pale glow; they can see around them.

****

Watts: Holmes, have you seen anything yet?

****

Holmes_ (condescendingly)_**:** Patience, my friend. After years of studying the criminal mind, I have discovered that it pays to wait a while. Let him come to us.

****

Watts: But I'm hungry!

****

Holmes: We are about to unmask a master criminal and you are thinking about your stomach? REALLY, Watts, I thought you had more professionalism than that. _(Both return to watching the path closely, and a few seconds later a lonesome howl is heard.)_

****

Watts_ (quite nervously)_**:** Holmes, are there wolves around this area?

****

Holmes_ (trying unsuccessfully to conceal his own fright)_**:** Oh yes, I'm positive there are. Most likely a few bears, too. Nothing to worry about, though. They're more afraid of us than we are of them. _(Watts shudders and crouches even lower behind the bush. All of a sudden a light is seen at the end of the path. Their heads swing in the direction of the light, and the Hound comes into sight on stage right. Its mouth is hanging open, and glowing saliva is dripping from its tongue. It barks, the bark of the Toothless Hound! Suddenly it picks up a scent and bounds off stage left. A few seconds later a scream is heard.)_

****

Watts: Holmes, what was that?

****

Holmes: It is the perpetrator of these evil deeds! It must belong to that psychotic butcher, Bolshevik. _(Suddenly his face lights up. Another "brilliant" idea has struck him.)_ Watts, I have the most ingenious idea! We'll hold a town meeting tomorrow and publicly unmask him. I, of course, will be the one to do this duty. You may watch, and learn my methods.

****

Watts_ (in admiration)_**:** I would be honored to do so, sir!_ (Pauses.)_ Wait a minute. What about that scream we just heard?

****

Holmes: Oh, there's no need to investigate. Whoever it is will be perfectly all right. The other lady survived, didn't she? Come, my bubble pipe is calling._ (Both stand up, brush themselves off, and exit stage right. Immediately following, a figure in black, unrecognizable to the audience, lifts himself from the floor in front of the stage and creeps onto it.)_

****

Figure in Black_ (in a stage whisper)_**:** Here, boy!_ (Whistles.)_ Come one, I've got a treat for you!_ (Hound comes bounding on from stage left, and the two begin walking off stage right. Curtains close.)_


	11. Scene 9

**__**

Scene IX

Setting: The main square, morning.

****

At rise: The square is packed with villagers of all sorts. When the curtains open, Holmes bangs a gavel on the podium he standing at, and calls for attention. Reginald Hawthorne is standing nearby, looking very excited.

****

Holmes: Now, then, I have called this village meeting for a very important reason. As everyone knows, I am a wonderful detective, who can solve the most puzzling mysteries. Recently it was brought to my attention that--

****

Melvin_ (shouting from the back)_**:** So get to the point already!

****

Holmes_ (ignoring Melvin)_**:** Last night another member of your community--Miss Charlotte Hornswallow, director of the ladies' finishing school--was viciously attacked by the same creature that terrified Mrs. Flora Monte. Last night I discovered that creature was none other than the Hound of Butchersville!_ (All the ladies gasp audibly.)_

****

Crumb: If you'll excuse me, I thought the Hound of Butchersville had left many years ago.

****

Holmes_ (annoyed)_**:** Yes, but obviously it's come back!

****

Clementine_ (wonderingly)_**:** Then who's been taking care of it?

****

Melvin: It must be someone among us!_ (All chatter nervously among themselves. Holmes bangs his gavel again.)_

****

Holmes: That what I'm here to tell you! The owner of this disgusting beast is none other than your very own butcher, Vladimir Bolshevik!_ (All turn and stare at Bolshevik. Minerva starts edging away from him. He glares menacingly back at them.)_

****

Hélène_ (shouting from the middle of the crowd)_**:** That's a lie!_ (Pushes her way to the front and glowers at Holmes.)_ Mr. Bolshevik would never do something like that!

****

Bolshevik: At least there's one person here who knows their butcher! I don't even own a dog!

****

Holmes: Nonsense! It is you, and I can prove it.

****

Minerva: Arrest him, Holmes!

****

Hélène: No!

****

Mr. Periwinkle: Yes! This man is a dangerous criminal!

****

Bolshevik: This is stupid. I need to get back to my butcher shop.

****

Watts: Holmes, you're so smart! I thought it was Pisclapski all along.

****

Holmes: that was foolish of you, Watts. Anyone can tell just by looking that Pisclapski doesn't have the kind of brains needed to pull off an operation like this.

****

Mr. Periwinkle: Yeah, Slops could never do anything that smart.

****

Pisclapski_ (outraged)_**:** Of COURSE I have the brains to do it! I did!_ (Stops suddenly and realizes that he is making a confession. Everyone turns and stares at Pisclapski. Holmes looks shocked, but quickly recovers.)_

****

Holmes: As you can see, Watts, I suspected Pisclapski all along, but I knew it wouldn't work to confront him using the method that I did with his brother. This was all carefully planned out, you now. I knew that if he looked like a fool, he would immediately defend his honor. I couldn't tell you because you might have let it slip out.

****

Watts_ (in awe)_**:** Aaah.

****

Bolshevik_ (in disgust)_**:** Stupid villagers. I told you it wasn't me.

****

Clementine: But why did you do this, Piggy?

****

Victoria: Yes, why on earth would someone do something so vulgar as keeping a mongrel like that one?

****

Pisclapski_ (scowling)_**:** I wanted his butcher shop. I had my hound steal meat and take it back to the butcher shop, then snuck those packages into the meat people bought the next day. I figured they wouldn't let Vlad stay if they thought he was using bad meat. Then I could have the shop.

****

Charlotte: But how did you make its mouth glow?

****

Pisclapski: I put glow-in-the-dark gel into his mouth so he could see where he was going. He's old and doesn't have any teeth, and his eyesight's not what it used to be.

****

LeGrande: So now the question is, what should we do with Pisclapski?

****

Hawthorne_ (importantly)_**:** Yes, a very good question. I think a few days in the village jail would bring him to his senses._ (Pisclapski scowls and looks defiant.)_

****

Watts: It was Vladimir Bolshevik he was trying to hurt. Maybe he can think of a punishment worthy of such a crime._ (General agreement is heard from the crowd.)_

****

Holmes: So what do you have in mind for your brother, Mr. Bolshevik?

****

Bolshevik: Piggy, you are demoted to washing walls._ (Pisclapski looks crestfallen.)_ But--_(Pisclapski looks hopeful)_--when you turn twenty-one I will make you a half-owner. You will have to work hard. Do you agree?

****

Pisclapski: Of course I agree! Thank you so much, Vlad! I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you.

****

Bolshevik: That's okay.

****

Minerva: You mean you're just letting him off?!

****

Helga_ (disappointed)_**:** Yeah, why don't you punish him a little more? He deserves it!

****

Bolshevik_ (gruffly)_**:** He is my brother. I punish him the Bolshevik way._ (LeGrande beams at them. Crowd starts to disperse. Bolshevik and Pisclapski walk off together.)_

****

Holmes: Well, Watts, another successful case in my career has come to a close.

****

Watts: Yes, I suppose it's back to Breaker Street for us._ (LeGrande hurries up.)_

****

LeGrande: You'll be leaving now, then?

****

Watts: Yes, just as soon as we can get a train. We just have to stop by the boarding house and pick up our luggage.

****

LeGrande: Well, it was good to have you here, Watts. And Fursock--_(Pauses.)_ It was rather interesting to finally meet you in person.

****

Holmes_ (grandly)_**:** Ah yes, the heart always rejoices to meet such intellect as mine, does it not?

****

LeGrande: _(Coughs.)_ Yes, yes, quite.

****

Watts: Good to meet you, LeGrande. You'll have to visit Breaker Street sometime.

****

LeGrande_ (thoughtfully)_**:** Maybe I'll do that. Goodbye.

****

Watts: Goodbye._ (Watts and LeGrande shake hands, then Watts and Holmes turn and begin to walk slowly offstage. Holmes brings out his bubble pipe and starts to blow bubbles. LeGrande looks after them for a moment, then shakes his head and walks off the other direction. Curtains close.)_


End file.
